turning 30...

There are different theories about getting old. One is that you start accepting things for what they are .. as in grey hair and wrinkles around. Just yesterday I was young.. And believe me… in thought !
And then I gave up..
I was at this friend’s place in Georgia and we were having a couple of beers and a discussion
A policeman walks in and is almost apologetic as he watches us… we don’t have guns…we don’t have dope…we just have a couple of beers. We are enjoying john fogerty’s “have you ever seen the rain? “ This guy almost requests me to hold my hands behind my head and wraps them up with tie wrap …the funniest thought resonates through my head as he ties orange colored fiber optic cables with a snap … I’m an orange fiber optic cable… if we are not the world that we define…or is defined to us .. What are we? I start to think what would life be if I were an orange cable?
Of course that is stupid and I cannot say it aloud cos it can only be construed as dope induced hallucination… cannot 1984 my thoughts now, though can I?

Of course that is stupid and I cannot say it aloud cos it can only be construed as dope induced hallucination… cannot 1984 my thoughts now, though can I?

I was talking about getting old now wasn’t I?
Decided to throw a stone “as far as we could get to ..types” …just to measure some semblance of strength in these aching bones.
I build up a mask … I want to go party
Lights on and off… in different colors… the great thing about parties …especially dark ones is that you only glimpse eyes
.. I mean minus the scantily clad bodies of course… the eyes…they shine through… like a thousand cats … and a thousand bulbs. It’s a party all right! Sometimes I wish Picasso had painted that …a thousand shining eyes in a party and had called it party… I would have paid for a pirated copy (Unto a 100 bucks …yes I have taste!) .. just for a lot of green lit bulbs  and nine lives for each … Oh what a web we weave , when we first try to deceive ..

So all of this was not in prison… some of it had been brewing for some time now … I decided I had reached a mid-life crisis when I decided to get a tattoo … there is a finality abt these things … like getting a tattoo … there’s not much you can do abt a decision like that except say “NO don’t do it, its permanent “.and that’s just reinforcement of why im doing it in the first place… So decisions can be funny except when you’re traveling. They take on different contexts.

You can tell I’m running away…cant you?
For rehab they showed us a movie marathon… born on the fourth of July and I saw that and I wanted to tell the stories that I knew… born on the 28th of august … born on the 21st of May …everyday a different battle .. not for a nation .. dulce et decorum est … but for me …selfishly enough for me

They showed us American history X for black history month… sometimes the angst is as great as the pain… and today I react with equanimity when yesterday it would have been all abt organizing pals and folks and get says and views and points of them and post them in scarlet and look for an anthem

There’s a subtle difference between the mega flood and the slow erosion…and it’s not just about the time … its about the sensitivity that’s associated with the act of bringing abt the change …
There’s a premium on human leadership …. Happiness in evolution is extinct, and to bring to it definition and method, is a challenging take … just cos of the mere fact that tomorrow I would want to remembered as a “” ( choice here)

There’s something special about turning thirty

There’s something special in the sense that you want to talk to everybody in your past
You exhume ghosts if you have to … you truly want to move on.
Yet you want to brush with the same toothbrush… in a sane world there are rare moments of insanity and let this be mine
Worn toothbrush with colors faded to medium and low.
Somebody asks me “Am I happy?”
And I truly cannot answer that … cos im confused
I do not know if im happy or im sad… these are the thirties moments when im trying to say grand things
And in all honesty ive never been as lost as im now
There are solid moments though when I won the drawing competition in school … there are moments of inspiration
There are moments of hope
The 30s are as confused as can be
There is an urge to listen to ballads/ to exercise/ to reduce cholsesterol/ to listen to baba ramdev / to do yoga
There are so many struggles in an empty home… and then there the M word 

I’m searching for a word for the past hour …
Yes its exquisite … the pain is exquisite
There is no other word to describe it …sometimes there is happiness in just describing pain …aimless pain… just dull
You know pointless dull pain… Exquisite is the word …

It’s been a loud day … getting arrested for no reason at all told me why life was beautiful … ESP when its free …when im free to make my own mistakes
To own them to adopt them to nurture them through the course of my life … like my own children … these are my mistakes.. There is some honor in repentance …when you give it a chance …when you give it a second life which answers “What if ?” And maybe all we look for is finality at 30 ..and resurrection
Like how could it be different ?
For the next 30 or so ?

Then there was the yoga guru or as I called him the the “Faker”
The Faker
The truth is that divinity will simply test your exhaustion. there has got to be another expln of sumfin w.r.t the whole
There is truth or in our modern times there is math … intuition well and truly is substituted by probability !
And there is finally a way to model uncertainity ~
Its called To be continued 

and hope … well!
“So long and thanks for all the fish!”