diary

meri diary ne mujhse kuch kaha
kuch nam kuch sukha
kuch kaha

ranjisho ke dayre bata de
zindagi kya hai mujhe bata de
ankhon mein dabi is kahani ka
anjaam bata de

khaton mein chhupe patto ki
khamoshi mein kuch aasun
baha kar mehfil aur mausiki
me char chaand laga dun

meri diary ne mujhse kuch kaha
kuch nam kuch sukha
kuch kaha

patjhar ke sookhe daaman me
kisse hain to bas pichle hain
aage hai kya hai kyun hai
sannate ki gumnaam dastak hai

ki meri diary ne mujhse kuch kaha
kuch nam kuch sukha kuch kaha

Surya ki -- the latest venture -- my finest yet!

Surya ki antim kiran se Surya ki pehli kiran tak

for ppl who are interested in the play--
the 70 odd yr old senate guy with all the machinations !! .. thats moi !! and that tuff !!
after two and a hlf yrs .. hope i havent lost the tusch !! ( thats delib!! ;) )
cheerios and do come watch @ http://www.naatak.com/currentevent.html

Been a long time (2)

Life has a strange way of familiarizing itself with the self . It can take a tiny gesture from a stranger or the discolored leaf falling from the tree overlooking your garden.
That’s when life says “hello, where have you been?”
In the eyes of your father when he punished you and the repentance dripped from his eyes and was reflected in yours.
In the eyes of your mother when she sold her jewelry to save your school year.
Guilt or payback when you handed in your report card


Too many things have passed and things have become blurred or clearer.
I donot know.
It’s been a long while
Maybe its time to turn on the defogger and look at things in the rear view mirror …

Yes

Once in the aeon
Of times long past
Thus scribed the ghost
There was love

When Adam chose Eve
And Eve chose Adam
For her sin
For their sin
There was love

Much too late there were
Encumbrances and relationships
Twitter and face-booked
Lined and ready
Primed and kleened
Sandstone changing color

The madness of life encountered
In a multitude of colors
Red and green and blue for good measure
Swirling clouds of grey and black
The mind spoke many languages
And you translated them into lime
And betel nut and the colored spit leaves

In my dreams there bespoke
Two lights and a dream
Lots of fine silk and a wavy
Dream
In my breath there was a silhouette
Of a wolf
Preying on a weak mind
Yes feed feed feed

kahaan se kahaan tak

तू तो हर लम्हा यदून में
ouch baby very ouch
the M.matya protests. raag bhopali mein protest !! loud !!
tis the day of the suryast.. the day..thank goodness the sun is partially visible
it takes an immense effort of will to evocate what needs to be said
" the region needs to prepare for war "
and on what basis do I the mmatya proceed to issue such orders ?
the MBaladhikrit just does what he is told , being a buddy of Okkak . he preps the sena ... Angarag must be had ..Alive ... these are Okkak's orders


today i feel Confused!

सूर्य की अन्तिम किरण से सूर्य की पहली किरण तक -- The M.Matya Chronicles

An hour before I am scheduled to leave for the rehearsal i do this


I blow my breath over the frosty windows and etch His name on it and wipe it over
I Almost don't ... make another excuse .. but no this time it will be fatal. I must talk to the M. BaladhiKrit and the R.Purohit before we go and confront M.Okkak again. This time we must succeed . It is the only way.. the Book says it and it must be ..no has to be this way .. the Queen will have no choice but to agree with us. M.Baladhikrit's spies have just informed us that Angaraag , Okkak's son and sole heir has rebelled and established a parallel government.



The Bloody rebels... Collecting taxes from the poor junta inspite of the famine ... taxes that justly belong in Okkak's coffers. Angaraag has crossed a line this time ... Okkak has never truly loved him as his own .. WHY should he ? the Q dotes on him but i knew better the first time i saw him , bloodied , kicking and , screaming as he came into this world .. that infernal mark right in the palm of his hand.. I asked the R.Purohit to immediately find its significance according to the scriptures. I knew the answer even before the R.Purohit told me ...



Though I am feeble in my bones now i can sure as death feel the impending doom as it slowly creeps up my spine. The prediction is about to come true. All the structure that we have strived so hard to create .. the grand edifice called Malla kingdom ... the tireless effort of generations will have to withstand the full force of the One-who-swallowed-the-eclipse. Once again it will be Okkak , much older now, much wiser , much stronger who will provide the backbone of this front ... Tch tch I am day dreaming , must be the gout and the cold in my bones .. I have to go and seek the other two's opinions about the new strategy or the Widow and the One-Who-Swallowed-the-eclipse will rule over our rusty remains.

पहचान ...

पहचान
-------------------------


अपनी कई ,अपनी महबूबा
अपनी आशिक़ि अपना वजूद
अपना तोहफा,अपना कफ़न
अपना देश, अपना वतन

ओढ़नी में एक बच्चे की मौत
ओढ़नी में इक शादी का खौफ्फ़
ओढ़नी में एक वजूद की मौत
ओढ़नी में … मेरी मौत

झाँक कर देखो एक झलकी
ख्वाबों का एक सुर्ख झूला
गोलियों से रंगीन…. लाल
एक दो तीन .. चुनते हुए

गोलियां चुनती हुई
और उनके अफ़सोस का क्या
कहाँ तक जाएँगी
अगर कोई नहीं मिला तो

रंगीन गलियों का हिजाब
की टेहेलते हुए लम्हों का हिसाब
एक दो तीन कह कर ,निकल कर
खामोशी का हिसाब पूछ कर

गोलियाँ चीर कर कहती है
पूछती है क्या यह जान है
की अगर खून का हिसाब है
तो जांच कर लो, जांच कर लो

खून देख लो, मेरा खून देख लो
लाल है ,अगर नहीं है तो मुस्सल्मान होगा
अगर नहीं है तो हिंदू होगा
मगर जो भी है लाल होगा

बहता हुआ सरफिरों के सर से
इक अक्षर बनता हुआ
ॐ होगा ? मेरा नाम होगा ?
जूनून होगा ? मेरा देश होगा?

turning 30...

There are different theories about getting old. One is that you start accepting things for what they are .. as in grey hair and wrinkles around. Just yesterday I was young.. And believe me… in thought !
And then I gave up..
I was at this friend’s place in Georgia and we were having a couple of beers and a discussion
A policeman walks in and is almost apologetic as he watches us… we don’t have guns…we don’t have dope…we just have a couple of beers. We are enjoying john fogerty’s “have you ever seen the rain? “ This guy almost requests me to hold my hands behind my head and wraps them up with tie wrap …the funniest thought resonates through my head as he ties orange colored fiber optic cables with a snap … I’m an orange fiber optic cable… if we are not the world that we define…or is defined to us .. What are we? I start to think what would life be if I were an orange cable?
Of course that is stupid and I cannot say it aloud cos it can only be construed as dope induced hallucination… cannot 1984 my thoughts now, though can I?

Of course that is stupid and I cannot say it aloud cos it can only be construed as dope induced hallucination… cannot 1984 my thoughts now, though can I?

I was talking about getting old now wasn’t I?
Decided to throw a stone “as far as we could get to ..types” …just to measure some semblance of strength in these aching bones.
I build up a mask … I want to go party
Lights on and off… in different colors… the great thing about parties …especially dark ones is that you only glimpse eyes
.. I mean minus the scantily clad bodies of course… the eyes…they shine through… like a thousand cats … and a thousand bulbs. It’s a party all right! Sometimes I wish Picasso had painted that …a thousand shining eyes in a party and had called it party… I would have paid for a pirated copy (Unto a 100 bucks …yes I have taste!) .. just for a lot of green lit bulbs  and nine lives for each … Oh what a web we weave , when we first try to deceive ..

So all of this was not in prison… some of it had been brewing for some time now … I decided I had reached a mid-life crisis when I decided to get a tattoo … there is a finality abt these things … like getting a tattoo … there’s not much you can do abt a decision like that except say “NO don’t do it, its permanent “.and that’s just reinforcement of why im doing it in the first place… So decisions can be funny except when you’re traveling. They take on different contexts.

You can tell I’m running away…cant you?
For rehab they showed us a movie marathon… born on the fourth of July and I saw that and I wanted to tell the stories that I knew… born on the 28th of august … born on the 21st of May …everyday a different battle .. not for a nation .. dulce et decorum est … but for me …selfishly enough for me

They showed us American history X for black history month… sometimes the angst is as great as the pain… and today I react with equanimity when yesterday it would have been all abt organizing pals and folks and get says and views and points of them and post them in scarlet and look for an anthem

There’s a subtle difference between the mega flood and the slow erosion…and it’s not just about the time … its about the sensitivity that’s associated with the act of bringing abt the change …
There’s a premium on human leadership …. Happiness in evolution is extinct, and to bring to it definition and method, is a challenging take … just cos of the mere fact that tomorrow I would want to remembered as a “” ( choice here)

There’s something special about turning thirty

There’s something special in the sense that you want to talk to everybody in your past
You exhume ghosts if you have to … you truly want to move on.
Yet you want to brush with the same toothbrush… in a sane world there are rare moments of insanity and let this be mine
Worn toothbrush with colors faded to medium and low.
Somebody asks me “Am I happy?”
And I truly cannot answer that … cos im confused
I do not know if im happy or im sad… these are the thirties moments when im trying to say grand things
And in all honesty ive never been as lost as im now
There are solid moments though when I won the drawing competition in school … there are moments of inspiration
There are moments of hope
The 30s are as confused as can be
There is an urge to listen to ballads/ to exercise/ to reduce cholsesterol/ to listen to baba ramdev / to do yoga
There are so many struggles in an empty home… and then there the M word 

I’m searching for a word for the past hour …
Yes its exquisite … the pain is exquisite
There is no other word to describe it …sometimes there is happiness in just describing pain …aimless pain… just dull
You know pointless dull pain… Exquisite is the word …

It’s been a loud day … getting arrested for no reason at all told me why life was beautiful … ESP when its free …when im free to make my own mistakes
To own them to adopt them to nurture them through the course of my life … like my own children … these are my mistakes.. There is some honor in repentance …when you give it a chance …when you give it a second life which answers “What if ?” And maybe all we look for is finality at 30 ..and resurrection
Like how could it be different ?
For the next 30 or so ?

Then there was the yoga guru or as I called him the the “Faker”
The Faker
The truth is that divinity will simply test your exhaustion. there has got to be another expln of sumfin w.r.t the whole
There is truth or in our modern times there is math … intuition well and truly is substituted by probability !
And there is finally a way to model uncertainity ~
Its called To be continued 

and hope … well!
“So long and thanks for all the fish!”

Mac wonders!

Mac-kenna’s GaWW-ld-yawn headlines

How abt this for a “daily-cuppa-conspi-racy-theory” ?

“the “AlQ” have sponsored the recent Judas studies and the Dan Brown Myths .. “ …

You know who AlQ is of curse?
The alQ ..
The alQqwot?
The alQwhen?
And the alQhoe ? ( 40 of them !)

The access of eveel according to Mac expostulating on the theories of the unbound
The deveel had a new name in kolkatta …for you see the city had been Hyd (Haiyed…in suddern enuff contexts) … in ways more than one

Reee-Sir-vashya-yawn ( deja BOO!) … Mac found herself in “Dire straits” and gyrating to a pirated copy too …
Gosh this was too much… the Mac din’t stand a chawnce …even in sexy Scottish half –skirts ( accentuate the letter that u want)

Sir Sir ,,, it please-ded

50% istoo muchos duncha think ? ..
Aaargh …here we go again ..the national ins-tit-toot of the yeah-man-cippayshun

Mac thought that this sort of language was totally uncalled for and proceeded to
Talk to the ex-el-capitan seated next to her … for now you see … in the protocol of the
Celebs unknown .. the one “Later” is the celeb …and thus the Mac by sheer virtue of UN-punctuality
Deserved what she did … which is to say a sermon .. from the celeb called “Unknown”

“First.. things you need to know abt me “
Do you feel lucky .. ppp ,
And “Mr President , (twist and turn) .. !! ( ok ..exclamation!)

Conclusion being that Harrison ford was probably a “Supersizeme” Clint! … err

The Mac is finally home …she can see the meaning of dubbulspit letters where they are in-tern-ded.

….Billy Plays the piano like a carnival”

She can kill with a smile and she can wound
With her eyes ,
and she can ruin yer faith
with Her casual lies
And she only reveals
What she wants you to see
She Hides like a child
But she’s always THE woman to me….

This was the sound anthem of the carpet making industry that the Mac was witnessing and then the endless expanse that greeted her eyes … to “proverbially” roll and plunder … for the chicken had really GOT to cross the “whatever” …whatever the “whatever” was made of ! ..sigh…and armed with the CGTTs the answers suddenly became clear ….

First off Mac needed a haircut and a saffron overhaul… which is to say we were planning on being televised… televised and protesting …
/* deja-BOO --- also known as affectionate feelings for the “DCE…err of E”
As in the “Delhi college of E … err Engg” … for like most of us .. and Mac I presume in saying so … the sordid saga of having it “made”…, really ended with the entrance exam .. Mac distinctly remembers our Princi ( PeeBeySharma) mouthing something in Sanskrit ( just to drive in the fact that mebbe 15 mins more wasn’t sucha bad deal ) ..how abt "Loser schols" ? " */

And then Something inside of me snapped and the Mac said well “U chose it “ … and the Mac thot if it was a fair statement… and I think of the remainder of the song


She takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her times
Awww she never gives out and
She never gives in
She JUST changes her mind …..

The Mac is still dealing with uncertainties …what if ? what if ???

http://kon-tiki.blogspot.com/2005/01/ouch-baby-very-ouch.html
http://kon-tiki.blogspot.com/2005/04/return-of-mac.html
http://kon-tiki.blogspot.com/2005/04/mac-and-catterpillahs.html
http://kon-tiki.blogspot.com/2005/05/mac-and-parallel-universes.html







ps --- prev edi-shuns! @